i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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