My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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