Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
