woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
