Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
