Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
