Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
