this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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