On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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