News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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