he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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