I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize