I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
