Pappa wants mamma naked
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
