Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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