I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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