so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
