He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
