I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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