I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Your cock deserves a montage
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
