dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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