Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
