I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I deserve this hangover.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
