i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The Olympian is in my bed
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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