woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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