If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
