I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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