I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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