Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
