ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
