I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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