so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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