in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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