why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
