Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
