I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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