how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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