I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
