Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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