Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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