just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
