The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
