Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
