She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
