mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
