I'm lost and stupid without you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
