You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
