the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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