I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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