Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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