Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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