I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.