I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
