I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.