Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.