Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.