This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
