White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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