If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
