Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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