I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
